Wednesday, June 18, 2008

There are several things that I have learned about myself lately.  One–I can get easily stressed.  Work at the hospital has been pretty much insane, with heavy patient loads and really demanding patients.  Combined with time constraints (having to give meds at specific times, having to chart on every patient, and reacting to issues as they arise, even if they arise at the MOST inconvenient times!), I know now that the patience I thought I possessed, is in short supply.  In short, I really dislike my job most nights.  I went in last night for extra hours and was so stressed out after only an hour of being there that I was already berating myself for going in at all.  And pretty much the only reason I did go in was simply to earn more money.  Most of the time I feel extremely positive that I have been able to pay off so much debt in simply one year.  However, when I look at the big picture, it is easy to become discouraged when I realize how much more there is to accomplish.  And there is so much that I sometimes feel I am so behind on.  Like wanting to have a family.  Right now that is something that I dream of often, but keep saying, it will happen eventually…after I feel financially set, after I’m done with school, after I have bought a home.  But there are so many steps to complete those goals.  I have to pay off my debt, which currently consists of one more credit card, my car loan (which will be done in August!!) and my school loan (unsure of when that will be paid off).  School will take me at least 5, maybe 6 years to complete (while costing a pretty penny).  I know it will eventually be worth it, but it is still daunting.  Then I have to start saving money for a down payment for a house.

Okay, thank you for listening to me vent.  Yes, life is a constant struggle.  But, I don’t have to let it defeat me.  I realized tonight that I am in control of how I REACT to certain events in my life.  I can continue to feel depressed and angry–which usually tends to create a lot of negativity within me.  I don’t want that.  I need to start focusing on the positive in my life.  I think the problem is I don’t often think much about the positive in my life–rather the daily grind, which as I have said earlier, can really get you down.  But I am making it my goal to try to think of at least one positive thing each day that will work to bolster my spirits.  I’m going to start my making a list right now of things that I can think of that make me happy.  It’ll be a mental lift brainstorm if you will.  So here goes…

Things that make me happy 🙂

  • reading a good book (I honestly don’t know what I would do without my local library–FREE books to read whenever I want, and I can have books I want delivered there to pick up)
  • eating a good meal (I ought to know by now, as my waistline can attest to (!), that I LOVE food–it is very relaxing to eat something that tastes good
  • snuggling with my cat Charlie–he is such a lover!
  • watching my favorite T.V. shows (most of these are on DVD–Queer as Folk, The L Word, ER, Gilmore Girls, Friends, Boston Legal, House)
  • going to sleep in my very comfortable bed
  • having a cup of coffee with French Vanilla cream in the morning
  • catching up with friends
  • looking through recipe books and choosing out new recipes to try
  • reading my favorite blogs (again, FREE!)
  • knowing that I have shelter, and enough money to feed myself
  • the comfort of being with someone that I love
  • the excitement leading up to Christmas and the fun of opening gifts and watching others open gifts that you choose especially for them
  • smells–fresh cut grass, lilacs, rain, bread baking, chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven, baby powder, freshly washed hair, campfire
  • memories–of happy times, of times spent with loved ones
  • the excitement of possibility–that things can be different, and knowing that you can have a part in that with your actions
  • new clothes
  • fireworks
  • saving money
  • folding laundry
  • clean dishes
  • listening to music that I can sing along to!
  • vacations
  • days off from work
  • looking through photographs

Okay, so I know there is probably lots more, but I can’t think of anything else right now.  So I think that each day I’m going to try to find something during that day that makes me feel happy and if I feel I can’t, then I will try to think of something/anything that makes me happy.  And if that also fails, then I will come back to this post and read this list.  And remember that, “this too shall pass.”

As far as at work, I need to come up with some way to re-focus and deescalate.  At this point I’m going to have to try stopping what I’m doing, taking some deep breathes and trying to prioritize what needs to be done.  It seems kind of hokey, but it’s about all I can do at this point.

Now, I’m going to enjoy the rest of my evening off, and try to forget that the hospital already called and said they were “desperate” for a nurse to come in tonight.  I already put in my extra hours this week.  I deserve this down time and I will not feel guilty for my “me” time.  My sweetie and I are going to have some ice cream (do you sense a pattern here…I’ve taught her to self-soothe with food! She’s a quick learner that one!) and watch “Mad Money.”  A little Katie should help me feel better 🙂

Published in: on June 18, 2008 at 9:16 pm  Leave a Comment  
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