Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Well the scale won today. There were a few not-so-nice words flung towards it this morning.
I was so excited to get on the scale, hoping for at least just one pound, maybe even more considering that I had done all that weeding on Monday and was still SO sore…and I didn’t have any popcorn last night in anticipation of weighing in.
And then I gained over 2 pounds.
There were tears. In fact it’s put me in a foul mood all day, and I’ve cried more than once.
Sometimes I just wonder why I even try.
I’ve always been fat. I’ll always be fat. Maybe a little less fat, but still fat.
It’s so discouraging.
I try to be positive. Most days I am positive. But then something like this happens and it just makes me think about all the things in my life that are not going right.
Like the fact that I can’t stand going to work…I physically dread it. Usually once I’m there I’m okay but I don’t really feel any source of joy about going to work.
Like the fact that I’m probably never going to have kids. And I think I’m okay with that but then I see all these friends and acquaintances pregnant, or I read blogs about people getting pregnant and seeming so happy. I don’t even think I would be that great of a parent, I’m too set in my ways, but still sometimes I wonder. But even that is not easy. I’m old. Like really too old to have a child. And the details of having the child are definitely more complicated (and expensive) when you’re gay.
Like the fact that I feel alone. I don’t have any really close friends. I feel like I have no one to turn to when I need to vent that truly understands me. I know Kimm loves me, but I don’t think she always understands how I’m feeling.
It’s just frustrating when I feel this way when I DON’T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY.
Then I keep thinking, “my god, is it my hormones, am I starting menopause??”
I usually don’t vent like this and I don’t want people to think, “she’s crazy” or “she’s just a whiner.”
I KNOW that there are plenty of victories in my life, small though they may be. I HAVE lost about 20 pounds since Thanksgiving, that’s not nothing. I know it can happen.
But it just goes so slow and I feel like I’m giving up so much of what has given my life joy…food in it’s way has done that for me. I guess I truly am an emotional eater. I enjoy eating good food…when I think back to all the good times in my life, food comes to mind immediately. I miss being able to eat whatever I want, even though most of the time when I do eat those foods, they don’t appeal to me anymore. But I still feel like I’m missing out. I look at my cart at the grocery store and I see good, whole food. I make almost everything from scratch. The majority of other people eat processed junk. And yet I’m still fat. And I think that’s unfair.
I guess life is unfair and I just have to learn to deal. Which believe me, I have been.
Sorry for the mind dump. Sometimes it just needs to come out.
But for today I just tried to keep busy. Laundry, made bread, went on a walk with Izzy and Kimm, watched Dancing with the Stars.
Soon I’ll be back at work. It never ends.
But I haven’t given up. I know that the non-scale victories are just as important and I just have to focus on them. Sometimes though it’s just hard to do that.
But this is my year. The scale may have won this battle, but I’ll win the war.
I’ll just keep plugging along.